


Green Eyes

by jaekayelle



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/M, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-03-29
Updated: 2003-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 07:38:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14468013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaekayelle/pseuds/jaekayelle
Summary: Feelings don't fit neatly into categories. Mal, Zoe, and Wash deal with the fallout.





	Green Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to Crossing Barriers.

 

Green Eyes

## Green Eyes

### by Jae Kayelle

Wash wasn't listening. 

"You're not listening, sweetie," Zoe told him. 

"Sure I am. You and Mal are lovers. I heard that part." Wash continued his pacing back and forth across their quarters. He sounded calm but he wasn't. His strides were jerky and his arms flew out at odd times as if he was doing his arguing in his head. 

"Were, dearest. We were lovers. We thought you were dead." 

"But I'm not!" 

"Not now but we thought you were," Zoe said with forced patience. It was the third time they'd had a variation of this conversation. "If we had known you were still alive it would not have happened. Ever." 

"But..." 

Zoe stopped him before he started it all over again. "I love you. I made a commitment to you when I married you. You are my husband and I will honour my vows to you." 

"For how long? Until you get tired of me and decide you like Mal better? You two have a history that you and I don't have." 

"We went through this a while back before Niska captured and tortured you and Mal," Zoe pointed out. "I thought we settled it then." 

"Well, yeah. We did. But then I knew you and Mal hadn't slept together. It was the one thing I had from you that he didn't." 

"Not the only thing, Wash. Mal never owned my heart." 

"Mal," Wash said nodding his head and pointing at her. 

Confused, Zoe could only ask, "What?" 

"You call him Mal now. It was always "sir" or "the Captain". That made it easier to take. Now it's Mal. Not so easy." Wash folded his arms across his chest and glared at her. 

Zoe clenched her hands until her nails dug into her palms. 

# 

Mal enjoyed drinking tea. It was a comfort to him when he couldn't sleep. He had drunk a lot of tea lately. He hadn't slept more than a few hours since he and Zoe had been reunited with their friends on Serenity. Talk about mixed blessings. Thinking that everyone who mattered was dead had nearly killed him and Zoe both but, after months of captivity at the hands of a crazy man named Vicker, their friendship had forged something stronger. At first their tentative, newfound intimacy was a way to reassure them that they were still alive, that Vicker hadn't beaten them. After a very short while their relationship deepened into a bond that was happy and joyful. Mal wasn't completely unfamiliar with that state of being, but it had been a very long time since he had let himself fall in love. 

He loved Zoe. Weird. Before she had been his best friend and his second in command. But being in love with her? He thought maybe she loved him, too. But hard on the heels of this revelation arrived Wash and their friends, all of them still alive. So, everyone was alive, which was wonderful, but the three of them were not happy. He didn't need to see or hear Wash to know that the pilot was upset. He could feel it reverberating throughout Serenity. 

Mal snorted. Maybe he was getting psychic like River. 

A sigh alerted him to Zoe's presence. He looked up as she went to the teapot like it was a lifeline and poured herself a cup. Her long hair was loose and hung in a rain of curls around her shoulders. Her trim, athletic body moved, as always, with an easy confidence. She turned and walked toward the table, sitting on the hard wooden chair next to him. He felt her heat inches from him and shifted minutely toward it, toward her. His entire body and soul twanged with the need to take her into his arms and kiss her all over. It couldn't happen. It was over between them. He was the one who had realized it first, although Zoe must have known it the moment she saw Wash standing in the street on Medea. Resignedly, Mal took his love for her and locked it away in the darkened recesses of his embittered heart. 

"You okay?" Zoe asked. 

He nodded. "You?" 

"I've been better. Wash is not taking this well." 

"You had to tell him." 

"Yeah," she sighed again. "I did. I don't want secrets between us. But he's having problems dealing." 

"He'll come around. He did before." 

Silence fell awkwardly between them. Mal stole a glance at the beautiful woman beside him and caught her looking back at him. 

"I'm having trouble dealing, too," Zoe admitted. 

"You are?" Mal asked in surprise. 

She turned to look at him square on. "Did you think I wouldn't, that I could just switch off my feelings?" 

Inexplicably feeling shy, Mal confessed, "I wasn't sure what those feelings were. I mean, I hoped... but I wasn't sure." 

"Oh, Mal." There was a trembling note in her voice, an uncertainty that he hadn't heard since Serenity Valley. Not even when Vicker was bashing them around did Zoe let any weakness show. "We didn't get a chance to talk about that, did we? Everything happened so quickly what with finding out so unexpectedly that Wash and the others were alive. I, we just started to get comfortable with each other and then..." 

He looked into her brown eyes and saw his own misery reflected back at him. 

"What a mess." 

Zoe laughed shakily. "Ain't it just?" 

Mal smiled back at her, heartened that she could see a lighter side to their situation. 

"You know we have to move on, right?" he asked. 

"Yes." She flattened her hands, pressing the palms together, and slipped them between her knees under the table. Sitting very straight as she nodded, she said, "There's no going back. I love my husband and I want my marriage to work." 

Also sitting up straighter, Mal replied, "I want our friendship to remain...solid. I don't want to lose you, Zoe. You mean too much to me." He took a chance and reached for her hand. She gave it to him willingly and intertwined her fingers with his. 

"I feel the same way about you." 

They shared a quick smile. Zoe ducked her head in a way he found endearing, and was glad that he could sit there like that with her and not feel his heart breaking. There were a few cracks yet but it was getting better. 

"Well, now. Isn't this cozy?" 

They both turned to see Wash fill the doorway of the kitchen. He wasn't a big man but at that moment his anger made him a giant. Mal let go of Zoe's hand at the same time she released his. 

"Honey," Zoe began, speaking to her husband. 

"Don't you honey me. You came right back here to him. How do you think that makes me feel?" 

"I came here for a cup of tea," Zoe said with immense patience. Mal didn't look at either of them. 

"Sure you did," Wash sneered. 

Gathering what had to be the tatters of her tolerance Zoe said, "Yes. I did. Tea. That's all. I didn't know Mal was here." 

Mal stood up. "Guess I'll call it a night." 

"Oh, you're calling it a night are you?" Wash mocked. 

"Yeah. I am. You got a problem with that?" 

Backing off slightly as if realizing he was taking his unreasonableness too far, Wash said, "Okay then. Good night." 

Mal nodded tersely to both of them. They continued to talk after he left. He heard the weariness grow in Zoe's low voice and wished he could help her fight her battle with Wash. It was best to stay out of it. He had no part in any of it anymore. 

# 

They managed to get through the next two days without any public yelling so Mal considered those good days. The tension level between him and Wash, and Wash and Zoe was still high, and Zoe was looking pretty ragged. Wash didn't look much better and Mal was avoiding mirrors. He didn't need reminders. He had a good imagination and it tormented him on a daily basis. Seeing his tortured soul wasn't going to make him feel better. He had given up on feeling better and had settled for getting by. 

Dinner that night was a strange event. Apart from the three of them the others were their usual boisterous selves. Conversation was rapid-fire and loud until the strain of pretence from their end of the table began to permeate the mood. More than once Mal noted the puzzled looks sent their way. He really didn't want any of their private affairs to get out, so he put some extra effort into lightening up and drawing attention away from the matter. 

"So, little Kaylee," he said, "think you could use some new parts for our ship?" 

Her face lit up, as he knew it would. "Well, yeah! You buyin'?" 

"Could be. I thought maybe we could do a little shopping when we reach Cantrell." Since he had gotten back he had taken stock of their finances and found them to be flush. He could indulge his engineer somewhat. 

"You're the best Captain ever." 

"Was there ever any doubt?" 

"Not from me. No, sir." Kaylee grinned at him and attacked her food with gusto, no doubt already thinking up a list. 

"Zoe, would you pass the pepper?" Mal asked. The mill sat nearest her plate. 

When she handed it to him their fingers touched. He barely had time to notice when Wash erupted to his feet. 

"All right, I've had enough! The two of you going behind my back is bad enough, but right under my nose is too much!" 

"Wash." Zoe was angry, lethal even. Her patience had finally deserted her. 

"For crying out..." Mal threw down his fork. It clattered on his plate and slowly tipped off the edge before sliding to the floor. He stood, too, facing Wash across the corner of the table. Clenching his fists, he did not even try to reign in his temper. "What the hell is your problem, Wash? Hmm? Cuz if it comes down to a showdown between you and me who do you think is going to win?" 

"Well, I don't know. Why don't we find out?" Wash jutted out his chin, teeth clenched, challenging. 

"My boat, Wash. Remember that." 

"Are you threatening to throw me off Serenity? I can leave, you know. And when I go Zoe goes with me. So I win no matter what." 

Silence had descended around them. The accusation hung in the air. Maybe it wasn't quite as obvious as it felt to Mal. Maybe no one else had picked up on it. 

"Somethin' happen while you two was away?" Jayne asked with a leer. 

Then again, maybe it was so obvious even Jayne had noticed. 

"Did you and Zoe get up to some fun between the sheets?" he continued. 

Very deliberately Zoe stood up, placed both hands on the table, and leaned down until she was inches from Jayne's face. He did not flinch but he did freeze with his fork halfway to his mouth, watching cautiously as she began to speak quietly but steadily. 

"Where we were there were no sheets. There was one cot about as comfortable as a slab of concrete. There was no water for bathing, no privacy, and some days there was no food. The days we did get food it was mostly stale or rancid." She straightened up but continued staring him in the eye, speaking with mechanical precision. "What the Captain and I got up to is none of your damn business but, since you and my fine husband have everyone thinking the same thing, and in order to save you the effort of gossiping behind our backs, the answer is yes, we became lovers." 

She spoke to them all, her body trembling with suppressed emotion, with leftover rage and terror. 

"I wouldn't call it fun. Not at first. I initiated it to save my sanity. To my knowledge my husband was dead. You were all dead. Mal was all I had, and I wanted so desperately to feel human again after being beaten and half starved every day. We might never have gotten out of there if not for Givens stumbling across us while looking for his own people. We could still be there now. Or dead. It took some convincing but Mal finally gave me what I wanted and maybe, just maybe, it saved his soul, too. We comforted each other and we loved each other. We survived. It gave us a new outlook on our lives, and now that we have our futures back we have to live with the consequences. But you know what? If I had to do it again I would." 

She turned and, without even a glance in Wash's direction, stalked out of the galley like a big angry cat. Mal decided she had said it all and said it better than he could have. He strode out through the opposite door. 

# 

"If I get down on my knees and beg will you forgive me?" 

Zoe didn't turn around but a tiny piece of her was pleased that Wash did not make a joke out of his question. He sounded deadly serious. She continued her steady pace down the corridor. She did not have a particular destination in mind, but since she was headed in the direction of the cargo bay that was as good as any other. She needed a lot of room right now. 

"Zoe?" 

"Maybe." 

She kept going, not even slowing when she heard his footsteps fall away and stop. 

# 

Mal swivelled the pilot's seat back and forth a few times until it bored him. His restlessness was like a fever but the only thing that could dampen it was something he could not have. 

"May I come in?" 

Simon's soft voice drifted over to him. Mal turned. The doctor hesitated in the hatchway, half in but mostly out. Only Simon could manage a feat like that. He attempted a smile and the young doctor took that as an invitation to enter. Mal had no opinion either way. 

Leaning on a nearby console Simon asked, "How are you?" 

"You asking medically or just out of curiosity after that little scene back there?" 

"Both." 

Mal eyed Simon who stared steadily back at him. The doc might be good for more than just patching up the crew's physical wounds, but Mal wasn't ready to open up his psyche just yet. Letting Zoe into his heart had been a bigger step than he had been prepared for, but it happened and he did not regret it. Well, except for the part where he got his heart ripped out of his chest just for taking such a chance. 

"I've been better," he allowed. 

"So. You and Zoe?" 

"Yup." 

"And now she's back with Wash." 

"Looks like it." 

"And you're okay with that." 

"Yup." 

Simon shifted restlessly. "You know this laconic thing can get a bit annoying." 

"Sorry." 

"No, you're not." 

"You're right. I'm not." 

"You seem to be taking this better than I would have imagined." Simon paused as if a thought occurred to him. "Unless, your emotions weren't engaged the way Zoe's seems to have been?" 

"That'd be telling." 

Simon wasn't fooled. "You can't shut off your feelings. To do so means you're only pushing them aside and they will come back and demand your attention. You need to deal with how you feel about Zoe now." 

"Ain't nothin' to deal with; she intends to stay with Wash." 

"But how do you feel about that?" Simon asked as if Mal was very, very slow. 

"I suppose I," he stopped. "Never mind." He went back to swivelling. 

"Captain. Mal," Simon tried. 

"It doesn't matter. How I feel about Zoe doesn't matter." 

"Of course it matters. Do you think that Zoe would say it doesn't?" 

"Probably not, but it won't change anything." 

"Mal..." 

"There was a time a few years ago after we met, after the war was over, when I felt an attraction to her. Didn't last long. We were both good with just being friends. But she's a beautiful woman, y'know? I noticed." 

"Does she know about that first attraction?" 

"Doubt it." 

"Why not?" 

"I never told her." Mal pushed himself to his feet. "I need to take a walk." 

"May I go with you?" 

"I'm not gonna space myself, doctor." 

"Didn't think you were. I would like to go for a walk, too. Maybe we can go together?" 

Mal studied Simon's face and saw a glimmer of hope there; it looked like the doctor was harbouring his own impossible attraction. It would be so easy in his state of mind to reject the younger man and go wallow in his self-pity. Hurting Simon as well as himself would be his usual way, but for one staggering moment he heard Zoe's voice in his head scolding him for not taking a chance. He sighed. He wasn't ready to take chances. It still hurt too much. But then, it couldn't hurt just to walk with the boy. 

"Fine. I guess I could use some company while I stretch my legs." 

The bright smile Simon gave him almost made him feel better. 

# 

The next afternoon Book noted the long faces and the overly polite tiptoeing around Mal, Zoe and Wash. It was time for someone to take charge of things. 

"How about a game of hoopball?" he suggested. "I'll referee. That is, if someone could tell me what the rules are exactly. They've never been made clear." 

"Ain't no rules. Object is to get the ball through the hoop more times'n the other team." Jayne set aside the gun he was cleaning. "I'm game. Be better than listening to the quiet around here. It's getting kind of loud." 

River giggled at that and he glared at her, but did not say anything to her. The heavy mood that filled the ship seemed to have affected him, too. He got up and headed for the cargo bay followed by a sombre group of shipmates. 

# 

For the first ten minutes they played listlessly, having trouble getting into the spirit of the game. After Mal accidentally bumped his teammate Kaylee sending her reeling into Wash, the pilot came to life and started to become aggressive. He stole the ball out of Jayne's hands and dodged around Simon, who had been shanghaied into playing, too. Jayne and Simon were both on Wash's team. Through the luck of the draw Zoe ended up on Mal's team, which only served to further raise the tension level. Book tried to keep order but quickly lost control of the situation and went to stand with Inara and River in the cheering section. 

From the start it was clear that Wash had it in for Mal. He went out of his way to throw his shoulder into Mal's side, or get their feet tangled up. Mal crashed to the deck, landing heavily on his knees one time, and another he tried to stop himself with his hands but ended up skidding across the metal plating, skinning his palms and coming to a halt on his chin. 

Angered beyond common sense Mal got back on his feet and taunted the pilot. "That all you got, little man? Come and get me!" He dove for the ball and kept it away from Wash by shoving his elbow in Wash's gut and stepping on his feet. 

The third time Wash blatantly knocked Mal to the deck Mal exploded off the floor, roaring to his feet like a wave of molten lava in a volcano blowing its top. His face was red and his eyes black as he threw the ball away and rushed Wash, tackling him. They went down in a heap with fists flying. Simon grabbed Wash's arm when it came back and hung on, attempting to pull him off their Captain, but Wash was fuelled by fury and yanked his arm free, throwing Simon to his knees a few feet away. 

Simon looked at Jayne grinning on the sidelines and shouted, "Do something before they kill each other!" 

"Do them good to work off some steam." Jayne propped the ball on his hip and continued watching the fight. 

Then Zoe got in the middle of it. At first she only circled her two men, her expression making it clear that, while she wasn't entirely pleased with their behaviour, it might be good for them to do as Jayne said. But then Mal ploughed his fist into Wash's mouth loosening a couple of teeth and bloodying his own knuckles. Zoe waded in. She reached down to attempt to separate them and got knocked on her ass. Bounding back to her feet she leaned in and grabbed an arm and held on. It belonged to Wash. He tried to shake her off, his anger blinding him to all but Mal's hated face inches from his own. Wash lashed out with his right foot and planted it in a solar plexus. Unfortunately, he connected with Zoe's abdomen. 

Her eyes bugged out and she reflexively wrapped her arms around her middle as her breath left her in a whoosh. Then she paled visibly and suddenly sat down. Mal and Wash continued punching, unawares. 

Simon saw her go down and ran to her side. He checked her over but she tried to ward him off. Stubbornly, he kept at it. He signalled to Book and Jayne to help him get her up. 

From her vantage point on the stairs Inara saw everything. As soon as Simon and the others started to take Zoe away Inara placed two fingers in her mouth and let loose with a piercing whistle. That got everyone's attention and the men stopped fighting, lying half on top of each other and gasping for air. Even Inara looked a little startled that with what she had done. 

"Zoe!" Wash squirmed out from under Mal and ran after his wife. Mal stumbled after them. Inara caught up with him and latched onto his arm, holding him back. 

"Mal, wait. Perhaps you shouldn't go." 

He shot her a look of pure venom and she released him, backing away. As he loped after the others her hand went to her mouth and her eyes showed her distress. 

Kaylee approached her from the side. "You okay, 'Nara?" 

Nodding, the Companion made an effort to regain her composure. "Yes. Thank you." 

"It's best that they work this out amongst themselves," Kaylee said. When Inara failed to comment Kaylee added, "You did a right fine job of whistlin'. Just like I showed ya!" 

Inara turned to her then and hugged her. "Thank you, dear Kaylee." 

# 

Wash hovered nearby while Simon examined Zoe. Mal was there, too, but hung back near the door. Zoe looked about as well as she had when they had been held captive and that worried him. He studied Wash's face and saw the fear as the man crooned gently to his wife. The whole thing had spiralled so far out of control and it had resulted in Zoe getting hurt. Mal felt sick. No one should have been hurt. He had been perfectly willing to back away and let them get on with their lives. Wash's jealousy was borderline insane, but even so Mal could see why the other man reacted the way he had. He was desperately in love with his wife and felt threatened. 

As if feeling Mal's gaze on him Wash glanced up and met his eyes. His expression startled Mal. The hatred was gone. 

Simon straightened up then, drawing their attention to him. 

"Zoe, you're bleeding internally. I'm going to have operate now." 

"Bleeding?" Wash looked stricken and Mal found himself moving closer to him. "Did I do that?" 

Simon wore his professional face as he continued to speak directly to his patient. "My guess is that there was damage from the beatings you received during your captivity. The blow today wasn't hard enough to cause this much harm on its own, but it did exacerbate the first injury." 

"Oh god, oh god, oh god!" Wash's face was white with fear. "I'm so sorry, baby." 

Zoe lifted a hand and caught his sleeve. "Wash. Listen to me. It was not your fault. It was an accident and it could have happened at any time, on a job or doing something totally ordinary." 

"It's true," Simon said. "The fact that it happened the way it did is beside the point. If anyone is to blame it's me for missing the signs." 

"The other doc on Medea missed it, too," Mal pointed out. 

Simon looked grateful for the support. "Still, I should have seen it. Now, everyone please leave so I can prep her for surgery." 

Wash did not want to go but he was so overcome with fear that he meekly allowed Mal to guide him out of the infirmary. Mal took him to the common area where they both sat on one of the couches. The rest of the crew was there already or seated nearby at the table. Mal stayed there for about thirty seconds and then he got up and left. 

Wash watched him leave and, seeing that he was headed towards the infirmary, started to protest. 

"Hey! Zoe is my wife. I should be the one to go to her." 

Book laid a gentle hand on Wash's arm. "Give him a minute. This is difficult for him, too." 

Grumbling mostly to himself Wash let it go. 

# 

Mal leaned his forehead against the glass of the observation window. Simon wouldn't let him inside and he didn't want to return to the lounge. All he really wanted was to talk to Zoe. There were things he needed to say to her but hadn't had the opportunity. The only time they'd been alone together since they boarded Serenity Wash had interrupted them. Some things had gotten said but there was one thing in particular he needed to tell her. 

He sighed, his breath fogging up the window. Simon looked up a minute later, his expression inscrutable behind his mask, and then he returned to his work. 

# 

Simon emerged from the infirmary several hours later. He stripped off bloody gloves and tossed them in the disposal while Mal waited not so patiently for him to speak. 

"She'll recover." He looked up into Mal's eyes. "I shouldn't do this but..." 

Mal breezed past him to go to Zoe. 

"...you can go in for a minute before I tell Wash and the others," Simon finished speaking to himself. He sighed and leaned against the wall. 

Mal settled on a stool next to the table on which Zoe lay. He picked up her hand and held it, warming the cool flesh between both of his. 

"I was going to wait until you woke up to say this but I lost my nerve. So I'll tell you now and at least get it off my mind." He breathed deeply and continued. "I love you. Now you know I don't go fallin' in love every day. I'm not that kind of man, I find the whole business pretty frightening, but it happened and there ain't anything I can do about it and nothin' I want to do about it. I'm glad we found each other back there on that planet. What you said in the kitchen last night about saving my soul? You did, Zoe. You did. I was coasting right up until you pleaded your case. Without you there I wouldn't have made it whether we slept together or not." He paused to swallow. His throat was too dry, his voice growing raspy. 

"Afterwards on Medea things started to feel more normal. Being with you like that, loving you felt right. It felt the way it should be. I wish it had lasted longer, is all. I wish...I wish it could have lasted, period. But things have a way of working out the way they were meant to be. You got Wash back and I got Serenity." He chuckled. "She's not as warm or inventive a lover as you are, and she don't fit in my bed but I'll take what I can get. I'm going to miss what you and I had and that's a fact." 

He felt a presence behind him seconds before a hand closed on his shoulder. He turned, thinking it was Simon. 

"I'm glad I got to hear most of that," Wash told him. 

Mal straightened up and let Zoe's hand slip from his grip. Wash leaned past him and picked it up, holding it a moment before putting it back in Mal's. Then he closed his fingers around them both and squatted beside the table. 

He spoke to Mal but looked at Zoe's sleeping form, "I was stupid. I overreacted big time and I'm sorry -- for all of it. Zoe tried to tell me it was over between you, but I was still reeling from learning that the two of you had been lovers in the first place. I guess it's no secret that I've always had issues about the depth of your relationship with her." 

Mal snorted. 

"Yeah," Wash grinned. "I know. That was an understatement." 

"Wash, I'm no threat to your marriage. I admit I felt some jealousy, too, but it ain't my call. Zoe is a strong woman, strong in mind and body and spirit. She wants you. She loves you. She's said it time and again. The next time she says it listen and believe it." 

For the first time since entering the infirmary Wash looked at Mal sitting on the stool beside him. 

"Thank you," he said simply. 

Mal moved his hand and placed it on Wash's arm prior to standing up. 

"Sit with your wife." 

He left the infirmary. 

# 

Simon sought him out an hour later, finding him in the cargo bay beating up on the makeshift punching bag hanging from an overhead strut. He watched until the slams grew less furious, the blows losing their impact. When they fell away to weak scrapes on the side of the bag, with Mal leaning his body against it, Simon stepped forward. 

He put his arms around Mal's sweaty, heaving shoulders, pulled him away from the bag, and just held him. Mal sagged heavily in his arms and hung on. 

# end


End file.
